Fable for our Times

A Fable for Today

When I moved to North Dakota back in the 80s, I was told that because of the cold winters there, there were no termites or roaches.  My observation in general bore this out.  I remember some friends joking about how Kmart in Bismarck had had to spend $6000 to termite proof their new store, because that was headquarters policy.  But here I would like to relate my neighbor’s experience, because I doubt he will ever admit to it.

Burton Outhuff was his name.  He lived in a large, older, two-story home on a few acres adjoining my own rented property.  Outhuff had invited a local exterminator to his home to rid him of packrats in his attached garage and in the crawlspace of his house.   I reflected when I saw the truck, Just Trust Us, drive up to his house that exterminators must have to have second jobs, as there couldn’t be much business for them here in ND.  Well, one did hear of occasional basement invasions by snakes or lizards, especially during droughts, and, as now, rodents.   But, as stated before, little of the problems that people in more moderate climates are accustomed to.

But the exterminator had other news for Outhuff this day.  He crawled out from under the house, dusty and covered with cobwebs, and announced to Outhuff that he had termites.  Outhuff expostulated, “Termites?  Hogwash.  There are no termites in North Dakota.”  “I didn’t think so either, but I assure you they are here.  Perhaps brought in with some lumber or firewood years ago, and keeping warm by your heat ducts.  Who knows how it happened?  But they are there.  In such an infestation that I doubt your house would stand more than another ten years, maybe as little as five years, if you don’t get rid of them.  Now I would suggest that you…”  “Oh, now I see.  You have your own special interests, you want to sell your products and service.  What are your credentials anyway?“  “Well, I have a degree in entomology from NDSU, so I can not only identify termites but prescribe treatment.  Now I am concerned that your termites could migrate to your neighbor, and from there spread all over the state, and so…”  “Oh, wait a minute, now I remember.  You’re a former congressman.  I seem to recall that you were trying to convince your fellow congresspersons that there was a potential invasion of termites in this state…”  “Indeed, but they didn’t really…”  “Right, I remember, they laughed you to scorn.  What a hoax you perpetrate.  Termites in ND, indeed…”  “Look, come down into the crawl space yourself…”  “I don’t need to do that, I would know if there were termites here.  Look, see that porch post?  Solid, no termites there.”  “But look, here I have photos that I just took under your house…” “Can’t prove it by me.  You could have taken those photos anywhere.  Copied them out of your textbook at NDSU no doubt.  And NDSU has always assured us there were no termites in this state.  You are just fearmongering in order to get rich off of us.  I shall make sure all my neighbors know of this fraud, this hoax, that you are perpetrating.   You won’t get any business off of any of us, you can be sure.  Now get off my property with your lies.”  Reluctantly, but with a shrug of his shoulders, and to the sound of Outhuff’s raucous laugh, Just In Time proprietor got back in his truck and drove away.  He soon had to give up his business because of the badmouthing of my neighbor, Burton Outhuff.

It is true though, as I am a witness, that after about 4-1/2 years, the posts on the front porch collapsed, and after another year an add-on room at the back of the house subsided into dust.  I moved away about that time, but I understand from another neighbor that it was another two years before the house itself just seemed to implode into its own footprint.  I wish I could have seen that.  But Outhuff maintained that it was because the house was old, that it was a natural process, houses do fall down in time.   Had nothing to do with termites.  There are no termites in North Dakota.

And there is no global warming.   So say Rep Barton and Senator Inhoff.